A guide to the perfect Valentine’s date by someone who’s never had one

If you are reading this for some last-minute dating advice, you must be desperate. But fear not, I have all the answers

Sajid Khan
Published : 14 Feb 2023, 01:30 PM
Updated : 14 Feb 2023, 01:30 PM

So, you have managed to find a date for Valentine’s Day. Someone asked you to be their Valentine, or you accidentally stumbled on the yellow brick road, and the wizard gave you the courage to ask someone out yourself.

Either way, I am proud of you and will give you some sage advice for your date. Yes, it’s true, I’ve never gone on a Valentine’s Day date myself, but I guarantee I’ll provide the best advice you can find.

This is because I have done extensive online research on this topic for many years and what I have found clearly does not work for the average person. What you need is advice from a different perspective and what I have come up with is one hundred percent guaranteed to work.   

Seriously, don’t bother looking elsewhere.

Valentine’s Day is a chance to let those we love to know how much we care for and appreciate them. However, with a new person, it can be an awkward start. Fear not, I have you covered.

First and foremost - you must communicate beforehand. This is to decide where you two will meet and the exact time. Text them a lengthy paragraph in a multiple-choice format with five to seven options. Be detailed and specific but also broad and expansive. Show them you are adventurous, open to new experiences, and willing to take anything seriously.

Activities will give you something to do and remove any awkwardness from the equation. Take them out on a romantic day of paintball. If you manage to nail them with repeated headshots, they will be impressed by your skill and dedication. Or go go-karting and bump them off the track. They will admire your competitiveness and drive. Such activities will break the ice and allow you to talk freely afterwards.

Next is the restaurant. It is essential to pick one out beforehand since no one wants to have a long conversation on an empty stomach. Choose your favourite place, hopefully, some fast food. Once you arrive, be generous and polite. Take the menu out of their hands and order for them. After all, you want them to have the best experience, and you know all about the food here. They will appreciate your knowledge and thoughtfulness. 

The best starters to pick are greasy – you want to fill them up. The best desserts are those that trigger early diabetes. You want to be sweet.

As you eat, think of the future. Imagine an entire life with your date. Consider where the two of you will get married, what to name your kids, and how you want to spend your twilight years together. Your date might be saying something at this point, but it’s okay if you miss it. After all, they will be grateful for your forethought and planning when the time comes.

Most dating advice would say a gift should come next. Something of sentimental value that you’ve given a great deal of thought to establish and strengthen your connection. But you’re a modern person and know this is an insidious ploy society is forcing on you. You know that gift-giving is just a way for modern capitalism to encourage consumer splurging. Don’t give in. Your date will understand immediately. After all, why else would you be dating them if they didn’t understand your fundamental values?

No Valentine’s Day date is complete without a good movie. Take them to the theatre and purchase tickets to a film you’ve seen at least a dozen times. That way, you know it’s good and can give them a running commentary on everything that happens in the movie and correct any misconceptions they may have. They will love the extensive insight and your deep understanding of the arts.

Throughout the date, it is crucial, to be honest, and genuine. Point out your date’s flaws and other negative aspects of their personality and tell them how they can improve so both of you can grow even more compatible over time.

For the finale of the date, bring your date home to meet your mother. She is the woman who raised you and is honestly the best judge of people and their character. Your date will be awed by your strong connection to your family and will appreciate the care with which you are approaching your relationship. 

And there you have it. As long as you follow all the steps, you’re guaranteed to find a lifelong partner in the next 24 hours. There’s no need to thank me. I always enjoy helping the less fortunate.

This article is part of Stripe, bdnews24.com's special publication focusing on culture and society from a youth perspective.