Setting and enforcing boundaries makes us more authentic and honest

Setting proper expectations for ourselves and others improves communication and can help us be true to ourselves

Tilottama Barua
Published : 28 April 2023, 01:30 PM
Updated : 28 April 2023, 01:30 PM

Many things can set off our tempers. Depression, anxiety, the feeling that our lives are out of our control or that we are invisible to the people we love. But, for me, the thing that causes my rage to flare up the most is a failure to set proper boundaries for myself and others.

Sometimes I was trying to be polite and agreed to something I did not want to do. Other times I allowed others to shape my feelings or even negate them.

Boundaries are weird, invisible, symbolic fences that we set up to delineate ourselves and what we want. They allow us to protect ourselves while also being authentic to who we are. They can affect every facet of our lives.

We carve boundaries around our needs and desires and shape them when forming new relationships. We have boundaries that are physical, spiritual, intellectual, and sexual. Some of them result from our nature or nurture, while others we define through our needs. Some boundaries can be stronger than others.

Boundaries can help people build self-esteem by helping them stick to their principles. They can improve conflict resolution by clearly laying out the ground rules. They can also lower stress by setting up a mutual understanding between ourselves and others, preventing interactions that cause discomfort.

If you’re anything like me, you’re bad at unlearning those boundaries you no longer agree with and worse at setting up new boundaries that make you more comfortable.  

Because of these bad boundaries, I’ve often found myself resentful of myself and others, often through no direct fault of their own. I end up in situations I don’t want to be in. Still, ultimately, I am the person to blame for putting myself in those situations. At some point, we need to start taking responsibility for our actions and emotions.

We are afraid of being rude, disliked, or viewed in a particular way. At those times, we can give in to the moment, violating our internal boundaries by saying yes when we mean to say no. But, the truth is, we disrespect ourselves when we fail to voice our objections and define our boundaries. It is also unfair to others because we don’t allow them to change their behaviour or know what is causing friction in our interactions.

At times, it can be challenging to speak out. Especially because boundaries are rarely fixed. They are dynamic and flexible and change depending on the context. Sometimes, you have to go with your gut. If something doesn’t sit right with you, you’ll know it. We shouldn’t tamp down our intuition just because we fear confrontation. And it’s important to remember that we can assert ourselves without being jerks about it.

A recent book I read - Greg McKeown’s Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less - has helped me understand the importance of saying ‘no’.

Essentialism is not about getting more done in less time but only getting the right things done. The book urges people to figure out what is essential to their lives – the things that really matter – and asks them to pursue them while eliminating those things that are not essential.

The book contains practical tips and simple ways of figuring out what is essential. It teaches people to prioritise, say no, eliminate unnecessary things, and focus on the essential aspects of life through many practical examples.

I’ve found the book to have a very clear and meaningful perspective on these topics. It taught me that it is essential to set boundaries and say no so we can be more open and honest with ourselves and our feelings.

So, if you find yourself frustrated while interacting with others, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Are you over-exerting yourself unnecessarily?

  2. Are you saying yes when you actually mean no?

  3. Are you letting someone take over and dictate your actions instead of pursuing what you want?

If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, it might be time to prepare yourself for a lot of uncomfortable conversations.

It is difficult to unlearn parts of your personality that you don’t like. Building something better to take its place might be even more difficult. But the rewards are worth it.

This article is part of Stripe, bdnews24.com's special publication focusing on culture and society from a youth perspective.