Why do we self-sabotage?

Whether in our studies, at work, or in our personal lives, we can end up getting in our own way. Here's why

We have all heard of actions or habits that lead us to undermine our happiness and well-being. Some of these self-sabotaging behaviours are so well-known that they might soon become the foundation of a new Hollywood franchise.

Examples include drowning in a pot of self-pity, impulsive spending that leads to financial ruin, not standing up for yourself, self-medicating with drugs, alcohol and other sedatives, underperforming on purpose, failing to show up, comfort eating, and constantly self-sacrificing for others, or diving into trivial tasks to avoid working on one's problems.

Whether or not we recognise it, we all know people actively or passively taking steps to prevent themselves from reaching their goals. Sometimes this behaviour is almost imperceptible or instinctive. Whether it concerns relationships and dating, work and business, money, friendships, health and body image, there are nearly limitless opportunities for us to get in our own way. 

But why do we do these things?

Why do we do them so regularly that they have become clichés and tropes trotted out in the stories we tell and the media we consume?

We can identify our bad habits, but if we don't understand why we have developed them and actively address the root cause, we will keep shooting ourselves in the metaphorical foot.

Well, one reason is self-worth. People can have skewed perceptions of themselves and feel they do not deserve a better life. Whether it's romance or success, if we don't believe we deserve it, we will find ways to push it away. Even when people say they are working towards a goal, feeling fraudulent or unworthy can hold you back.

Another common habit is focusing on short-term gratification at the expense of long-term goals. Consider gambling addicts or spendthrifts. People can get so caught up in seeking pleasure in the moment that they discount the consequences on their future. Sometimes it is necessary to endure difficulty and hardship to ensure you will reach a higher peak. Those who cannot do so will be caught in a spiral that impedes their progress.

Self-sabotaging behaviours can also be learned from family or friends, people who significantly impact who we are and how we became that way. Consciously or unconsciously, we can emulate these behaviours and get stuck in the same cycles as those we know. Being around others with similar tendencies can also enable us to keep perpetuating our bad habits.

A fourth cause is fear of failure. It may sound counter-intuitive, but the truth is that some people are so afraid of failing at something, that they never try their hardest to accomplish it. They always want to rely on the assurance that they could have achieved it if they had made a proper effort. It gives them an excuse that they never 'truly failed'. However, this is essentially the same as failing outright. Success in your head doesn't always translate to victory in the real world.

One final reason is comfort. We feel more in control when we are engaging with familiar patterns. They bring a sense of stability that can be reassuring. We know that we can fit in this current environment, and change could bring disruptions or further complications that we want to avoid. As such, we return to the same old habits that keep us where we are used to, even if it is harmful.

Going through that list, you may have found something resonating with your experience. But if you are a self-saboteur, what can you do?

Firstly, congratulate yourself on recognising your problem. You can only work to improve yourself if you know what's wrong.

Next, develop your confidence and practice becoming a more assertive person. Assertive people know who they are and are comfortable with themselves. They have a sense of agency and can address their needs, ensuring they are met. They express their feelings, know what they want, and where they plan to go. They don't shy away from conflict, know how to set boundaries, and when to take the initiative.

Sounds easy, right? Just do all of those things, and you'll be fine. It might sound like I'm joking, but the truth is, sometimes you need to learn by doing. Integrate these traits into your life and practice them under pressure. It will be challenging. And it will likely take a long time.

Unravelling an in-built issue is an arduous process. But the sooner you get started, the sooner you'll be able to get out of your own way. After that, the path ahead will be clear. 

This article is part of Stripe, bdnews24.com's special publication focusing on culture and society from a youth perspective.