Rumana abuse, domestic violence and the male perspective

Afsan Chowdhury
Published : 22 June 2011, 02:48 PM
Updated : 22 June 2011, 02:48 PM

The act of violence on Rumana Monzur by her husband Hassan Syed who tried to gouge her eyes out and tear her lips has aroused both rage and disgust. Bangladeshis all over the world have condemned the act. Some are contemplating actions to help such victims in future. The accused husband, after he was caught by the police,  said his wife was having an affair and in the altercation, he lost his glasses and "she may have been hurt," as he couldn't see properly. We don't know which one is more pathetic, his accusations or his excuses.

Whatever may be, some have picked up his words and have defended his actions.

Stepping away from the knee jerk anger that many may feel at this point, it is time to calm down and look at an obvious problem that involves domestic violence in general particularly when societies are in transition.

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Some of the comments made by people who think Hassan is not at fault run as follows:

a. "Male abuse is as severe and rampant as female abuse. Don't forget that females are deadlier than males and the males endure at least five times more violence by their wives because the legal system of the country sides with the female. While Asifs are crying "Nari Nirjaton", the society is turning a blind eye to "Purush Nirjaton".

b. "However, there are many other reasons behind domestic violence. Sometimes wives who stay home have nothing else to do but take care of the child and look after the household. As they have a lot of free times at hand, they get involved in extramarital affairs or do something that is really unacceptable to the husbands."

c. "What she has done, did she set a good example to her fellow DU faculties and students? It was Rumana who started it and her husband Hassan eventually ended it."

d. "Will you be so kind to raise your voice in support of abused men too and call for "Purush Nirjatan Law" to stop domestic abuse against men? Then, I will call you a real human being. We need your support, ladies. We men are abused by female partners and suffering every day, throughout the country, all over the world. Please help and protect us, ladies."

The comments run from resentment to justification to pathological patheticness but these are the voices we also need to hear. They are not just the perpetrators who we encounter all the time but also people who manage society. And this problem won't go away without the partnership of men.

Some men are victims as well and we know that fact from our professional work. Again, male victims are dominantly in urban societies and they are absent almost entirely in the rural areas. Social changes generate transitions and many males are a victim of that too, unable to behave rationally in a world they can't adjust to.

It is not a gender issue but a vulnerability issue. It can happen to anyone but in our society as women are more vulnerable, it is women who are the overwhelming majority of victims. However, male victims do exist even if they are a small minority.

"The 5th Bangladesh Demographic and Health Survey (BDHS) 2007 (released 2009), revealed stunning statistics on the level of violence against women — In Chapter 14 ("Domestic Violence", P 197-214), the results showed 53% of women experienced sexual or physical violence from husbands. The most common act was slapping (46%), followed by pushing, shaking and having something thrown at them (30%), punching with fists or something that can hurt (17%), kicking, dragging or beating (15%), and choking or burning (5% )" (Naeem Mohaimen, The Daily Star).

It is terrifying in its simplicity.

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The following information comes from a specialised website describing the profile of the abuser.

– The abuser/batterer sees women as objects. He does not view women as people. He has no respect for women as a group. He sees women as property and sexual objects.

– An abuser/batterer has low self-esteem. He feels powerless and ineffective. Although he may appear to be successful, inside he feels inadequate.

– An abuser/batterer finds external excuses for his behaviour. He will blame his violence on having had a bad day, loss of money, etc, his partner's behaviour or anything that comes to mind to excuse his violent actions.

– He may be charming and pleasant between his acts of violence. Outsiders may view him as a nice guy.

-An abuser/batterer may display some warning signs such as: a bad temper, cruelty to animals, extreme jealousy, possessiveness, verbal abuse and/or unpredictability.

(http://peekabooicu2.50megs.com/abuse-stay.html)

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The abusive poor are different from the abusive middle-class. For example, in the rural areas particularly amongst the poor, economic development improves the condition of women significantly. In extreme poor segments of society, higher income heals marriages and raises a woman's worth in society, often making them as close to being a partner in a marriage as possible. But in middle-class families as in the Rumana case shows, it also raises deadly anxiety.

Satyajit Ray's movie "Mahanagar' dealt with these issues but whereas in that movie, the couple battled it together, it often turns abusive in many homes in real life. This is quite common in today's world where women can be as successful as a man. That's why instead of blaming, everyone would be served best if psychological counselling of all kinds were made more available.

We have a huge stigma about mental health which prevents us from accessing help which leads to such crisis that goes beyond repair. Abuse is a sign of mental health and the abuser should be treated both mentally and socially. And when the abuser commits abuse, they should be treated as criminals too.

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That the abusive husband, Hassan Syed, would be giving all kinds of excuses after his arrest is only to be expected. Everyone is after his blood and he says whatever comes to his mind but what is worrying/ disturbing is the enthusiasm of some who jumped at his words and gave excuses for him. This is where the problem lies, not just in the willingness to believe the man but only to believe the man and think the woman is guilty. What is more dreadful is that many have said she sort of deserved it because she was having an affair.

Of course, teachers, students and colleagues of Rumana have written from her university in Canada testifying to her upright behaviour there but that is not the point. The point is the tone of the argument which says that if she was having an affair, it was all right to do what has happened. It was in the willingness and the hurry to believe the worst about her and saying this violence fits her actions.

Is this where tradition mingles with sexual anxiety in a world where women who have been historically under control, is no longer so and the rage of the man is to hit out in an act of impotent rage?

It is not enough that we condemn domestic violence but we make sure that every time it happens, the perpetrator is punished in an exemplary manner and the supporters are shamed as far as limits apply, male or female.

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Some people will never accept women as partners but that is the case in every society and one can do little about that or them. Collective psychopathic behaviour is common but most people amongst us are ordinary people. These are people who want to live as partners, with mutual respect and beyond the realms of domestic violence.

Actions and initiatives should be geared towards touching the people who with some support can become better domestic partners.

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There is no intention to deny that male abuse takes place. I know several cases and they appear to be results of personality aberrations and long term frustration of a wide spectrum. The women also displayed the same characteristics of a male abuser. At least in one case, the abused man ran away and never returned to his family. I hardly think it will be a generalised application particularly in Bangladesh but let's take abuse as a social problem not a gender issue but one which appears with a gender face. And let's treat all abuse the same.

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But abuse begins long before the hand is raised. It begins with the victim's parents who give her in marriage thinking a woman's life is incomplete without a male. It grows when the in-laws think that the son can never be wrong and encourages him to be a 'male'. It germinates with the first slap that the woman accepts with silence and tears and without a protest that shakes the marriage. It grows as she tries to salvage the marriage by accepting his abuse because society looks down upon divorce, broken families and a child without a full-time father even if he is an abuser. One day it explodes and everything collapses.

We are all guilty and we all must do something about it.

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I had asked this man why he took such shit from his wife and he said, "I did it for the children".

They all look and say the same.

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Afsan Chowdhury is a journalist and researcher.